Wordaholics - Brociopath

Brociopath: A human adult male (college-age or older) who has internalized the tropes and activities specific to fraternity life so thoroughly that such behavior extends far beyond the time and place during which it is typically deemed appropriate (or at the very least, forgivable). While the temperament of the everyday fraternity bro can often have positive effects (particularly when attempting to romance a sorority sister), when taken too far, these habits can be both potentially dangerous and incredibly annoying. Though different symptoms can be dominant in different cases, some common signs of brociopathy are:

  • A propensity for calling people “pussies”
  • A need to frame any alcohol consumption within the context of a game or challenge
  • Constant yelling and/or chanting
  • A wardrobe consisting primarily of pinnies, polo shirts, cargo shorts and either visors or baseball caps worn backwards
  • An allergy-like aversion to anything considered unmanly, including reading, having female friends and showing emotions other than enthusiasm or rage
  • A desire to incessantly quote an unofficial canon of “Bro Films” including, but not limited to, Old School, Anchorman and most Adam Sandler vehicles

The mental health community remains split as to the exact nature of the disorder’s causes. Some professionals believe that those who exhibit the above signs  are in fact born with a higher-than-normal tendency toward douchebaggery in general. Others are of the mind that increased exposure to testosterone during the fraternity-pledging process and the brain damage caused by excessive kegstanding combine to produce the symptoms. Still others remain convinced that brociopathic behavior is actually a lifestyle choice,  though this position has lost ground as of late due to its sheer implausibility. Unfortunately, no cure or treatment currently exists.

In a Sentence: “Jimmy’s friends knew they were too late to prevent him from becoming a brociopath when he kept interrupting everyone at the intervention to suggest that they all play flip cup.”

Wordaholics - Bro-Choice

Bro-choice: The belief that one has the right, at any point, to sever oneself from one’s penis/shlong/lap hog/boy muscle for whatever reason, regardless of circumstance or outside opinion. Some of such reasons may include (but are not limited to):

  • Someone offering $100 for it
  • Fatigue from being inconvenienced by the maintenance and care implicit in the possession of a penis
  • Boredom/curiosity
  • The result of losing or winning a bet
  • Proof of one’s impulsivity and/or spontaneity to a skeptical friend or romantic partner
  • Extreme hunger
  • Performance art

Similarly, members of the bro-choice movement have made a point of expressing their support for those who want to alter their bodies in a way that would allow them admittance to New Dick City (aka The Bone Zone). In a nutshell, the movement has established itself on the platform that dicks are a choice, so nobody should be a dick about having or not having one.

The bro-choice position has historically faced opposition from the bro-life movement, which posits that someone born with a bro-hose is obligated to walk around with it between their legs for life — regardless of the implications for one’s identity, comfort, or general feelings about boners.

In a Sentence: “Eduardo was unsure of where he stood on the whole ‘bro-choice/bro-life’ debate until he realized that both he and his pants would be much more comfortable if he removed the peen from the equation.”

Wordaholics - Future

Future: The time frame of existence that is always ahead of us.  

One never reaches their own future; but at the same time one is always living in the future of someone’s past.  Sometimes they look like Bruce Willis.  Looper.

In a Sentence: “The end of the new episodes of Workaholics Season 3B alters the future of the Workaholics Tumblr; but while it now assumes hiatus glory it will still be your source for all things Workaholics.”

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Wordaholics - Zombie

Zombie: One who is without enough brain function to avoid their blind pursuit of a singular goal.  Like pizza, brains, or “dat ass”.

This type of behavior is often marked by a slow, steady march toward said goal one ingredient decision, wounded hitchhiker, or unbuckled belt at a time.

You may find yourself a Zombie if you say "Yes" to any of the following questions:

  • Will you make excuses for every Spider-Man title reboot, because "Marvel knows what they’re doing"?
  • Do you crave human flesh at any cost?
  • Have you spent so much time in the library you forgot what day Chuch’s party is?
  • Were you recently bitten by another Zombie and failed to remove the infected limb before the infection could spread?
  • Do you buy the latest version of a video game without learning what, if any, upgrades it provides?
  • Would you list your current living condition as “Undead”?
If you’ve said “Yes” to a multitude of the above, and are worried you may have become a Zombie, rest easy; help, in the form of a blunt object destroying your brain tissue, is on the way.

In a Sentence: "I wanted to wait to buy the new Hobbit Blu Ray until the whole set is released with more content, but I’m a JRR Tolkien Zombie and just couldn’t wait to own it as soon as possible.”

-OR-

"Me Zombie, braaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnsssssss.”

Wordaholics - Yelpless

Yelpless: A state or condition in which one is without access to social media, leaving them unable to research life-or-death info, like if the Denver Omelette at Jose’s is really “the best in the state”.

Being without Yelp, Facebook, Foursquare, or Twitter, among others, can leave a person without information they never realized they needed.  What time does the Chipotle by the airport close?  Is the Best Western off the 210 pet friendly?  How’s the talent at Jumbo’s on a Tuesday?  Which direction is East?

Worst of all, being Yelpless leaves a person unable to info-blast their friends and acquaintances with news and photos of what they’re doing at any given moment.  How are your buds supposed to believe you sat at a table next to Ryan Gosling unless you have proof?  What, they’re supposed to trust your word as a human being?  Save that for the 80s.

If you find yourself with no bars, no charger, or worst of all, no cell phone, fret not.  Find the closest non-biker looking person and ask to borrow theirs.  Explain your situation; you just need to see if that burger place uses animal fat to cook their sweet potato fries.  

If they’re humans, they’ll hand over the device for a hot five; then, once you’ve completed the task, buy them a chai latte as a thanks.  And remember; one day you may be able to help a person in need.  A person without hope.  A person without internet access.

Someone who’s completely Yelpless.

In a Sentence: “Last weekend was the worst, we were driving through the mountains and got pretty hungry when we came upon this farmstand so I went to check if the service was up to par, but I didn’t have any reception, so we walked in completely Yelpless; turns out, it was just an abandoned shack!”

Wordaholics - Grandpa

Grandpa: The man who taught your dad how to be a Man.

AKA: Gramps, Papy, Pop, Pop Pop, Grampy, Granddad, Ole Granddad, Sir

You’d be speaking German and eating second rate grain if it weren’t for the ole fella who made it all possible.  The man who asked no more than respect and the big pork chop in exchange for the sweat off his soul and the ache of his bones.

Sure, he thinks you’ll break the remote control if you flip too fast.  He doesn’t get “those Asian foods, electronics, or people”.  He drives dangerously, and not in the accepted Fast/Furious manor.  The least you can do is cut him some slack, he’s trying to think and that damn dog won’t shut up!

In his day, people were more private than this Facebookie Twatter nonsense on the computers.   Face to face, that’s how people talked in his day!

His day isn’t over.  Not yet.

In a Sentence: “Visited my Grandpa at the senior’s apartment complex yesterday, he sat outside heckling people for most of the afternoon before going in to watch the channel that shows the front entrance to the complex until he nodded off.”

Wordaholics - Lording

Lording: You gotta ask?  Then you can’t even get a whiff of Lord.  

A Lord lords, and you can’t be lording if you’re too busy defining.  Save that for the Websters.

Straight Lording

You are not “they”, the watch checking khaki class of name-on-shirt employment. 

They fill out resumes.  You get offered the job the other guy hasn’t even been fired from yet.

They file their own taxes.  You pay your guy in the valley to log your deductions RIGHT.

They park 3 blocks away from the club because they “like the fresh air”.  You live upstairs from the club already.  The club you own.  Or co-own with a good friend.  Possibly for tax purposes.

Why?  Because you’re both LORDING.

In a Sentence: “Hopped on the jet to NYC for a secret J-T concert at 30 Rock on Friday, then we were straight LORDING the three day weekend from the East Village brunch through the bowling in Lorne Michael’s private alley!” 

Wordaholics - Pornog

Pornog: The sexually charged materials which you view in order to turn your Lil Smokey into a Hebrew National.

That involves everything from a man and woman kissing, to a man and woman kissing in places other than what is conventionally defined as kissing, to a man and a woman being in separate rooms but still kissing items from whatever grab bag of issues your deep seeded conscience has deemed Go Milk and you just ate cookies.

Hell, it doesn’t even need to be a man and a women.

Hell, it doesn’t even need to involve kissing.

Hell, it doesn’t even need to involve hot dog related metaphors, ladies, you turn your taco stand from a failing business to a 5-star YELP review if that’s what plugs in the Christmas tree this holiday season.

In short, you define what Pornog is.  I just work here.

In a Sentence: “Things with Jesse were getting a little stale, so I thought I’d introduce some Pornog into the equation, and see what added up; and let me tell you, she got so worked up I was leaving remainders all over the quadratic equation, because I’m a math teacher.”

Wordaholics - Bloj

Bloj: Means blowjob.

Pronounced: Blow-ge                    

AKA: "The Mouth"

Oral sex moniker used primarily in high school slang, before transitioning into the college world where it can take on any number of regionally appropriate names (I.E. Doming, Braining, Feed Bag, etc).  

Not often said in the old folks home or your parent’s office, it’s a kids thing. They do a lot of shortening of words for their speech patterns, they think it makes them stand out and find an identity in this crazy world.  C’mon, you used to as well, remember “ush”, “coo” and “totes”?  

Language.  It’s funny, and sometimes, being funny?  Is enough to catch you a bloj.

In a Sentence: “She gave me a bloj, she gave me a bloj, pretty much every low self esteem girl in Rancho Cucamonga South has thrown a bloj my way; although to speak equally of gender roles, some may have been using me for my body as well.”

Wordaholics - Quitting

Quitting: Having the mental strength to walk away from something because you realize you are better than whatever pithy thing it’s pretending to be.  Their loss.  You’re the big dog and no one else can lap up as much water as you.  

While garnering a reputation as being for the “weak willed” or “losers”, Quitting has grown a far more positive reputation in recent years due to the high-caliber character of those who are willing to just walk away.  

It’s not like they can say they fired you.  Or you were asked to leave because of all those complaints to HR about your patented deep tissue back rubs.  No.  It was your choice to move on, and that shows how you roll your dice, playa.

Didn’t the United States "quit" on Great Britain to start the American Revolution?  Didn’t Bill Belichick’s leaving the New York Jets lead to the Patriots dynasty?  You can’t argue Michael Keaton not doing Batman Forever didn’t look good for his integral purities.  Even if you loved Jim Carrey’s Riddler.

Strong people quit and clink glasses.  Bull headed jackanapes stay and get carpal tunnel.  So I say pour me a topper and let’s compare resumes.

In a Sentence: “I feel like Quitting is the best option for my career if they’re going to look into this deer antler spray; can’t test me if I don’t play in the league no more, now let’s leave it all on the field Sunday!”