Wordaholics - Friendship Family
Friendship Family: The non-biological members of your closest knit circle, the best of the best of the best of not blood.
What makes the relationship go from solid dudes to the familial level varies; saving someone from a tiger cage, spending a week on the road following the Up in Smoke tour, flipping houses to the point you come into some serious cash could all bridge that gap. It depends on the person. It depends on the bond. Also, does anyone in the gang have an annoying laugh or spoiled-sauerkraut B.O.?
Like any family, a Friendship Family can have their squabbles, internal beefs, and bi-annual taped-fist brawls, only these fights don’t ruin Aunt Claire’s Retirement Party. If anything, they enhance them. You know the Silverman brood likes seeing some blood on the dance floor.
A bonus is that unlike your third cousin who you’re not sure is adopted, you have a green light to make eyes at a female member of your buddy clan. It might weird out the whole room, but it’s not against the law. Also, again, doesn’t ruin Aunt Claire’s Retirement Party. You know the Silverman brood likes seeing some gratuitous groping on the dance floor.
The size of the group is also up to debate; too large, and you become like a gang and chances are you will NOT do well sized up against real gangs; too small, you’re just a bromance. Why you spending all that time together, huh? Then the Brokeback jokes come in, and… you need a third. Especially if you want to go on a fishing trip.
Having a third makes it a group. A third… makes it a family. Your Friendship Family.
In a Sentence: “I had a great time over the holidays, spent a few days on the farm with the fam, then a weekend in town with the Friendship Family where we mostly drank 22 ounce beers and watched Point Break; you know the Silverman brood loves some Keanu.”
Wordaholics - Boss Lady
Boss Lady: One’s professional superior, of the female persuasion. Usually a strong role model for other women in the office, the Boss Lady rules with an iron fist while hopefully earning equal pay.
A boss can be a man, and a lady can work at a place of business without being boss, but a man cannot be a Boss Lady. The name can be used for that male boss as a derogatory nickname, but calling him a duck would not mean he quacks.
Being a woman superior and object of sexual desire are not a mutually exclusive partnership of the position. Many men are attracted to strong female figures, with strong female figures, and whether they are trying to get into the pants of their superior for business or pleasure depends on the strength of the punch at the latest company party.
If you have a Boss Lady, it is recommended to not call her that to her face. She’s probably real uptight about what people call her in front of the workforce.
In a Sentence: “That Alice Murphy is one capable Boss Lady; and by that I mean capable of running both the office and dat ass all over my imagination.”
(Sentence possibly used by Adam DeMamp)
Wordaholics - Full Christmas
Full Christmas: The completely realized, no corner cutting big brother of Half Christmas.
It is necessary to mention that Full Christmas occurs on the birth of Jesus Christ. Base covered.
Full Christmas takes the Half Christmas spirit of “No sweater sleeves, no Santa, no problem” and adds both sleeves AND Santa. But it does NOT add problems. Not intentionally, at least.
Many believe the Full came before the Half, but numerically, that’s impossible as well as possible, depending on the philosophical beliefs of how much water’s in the glass. After enough spiked egg nog, BOTH are possible.
May you have a Happy and/or Merry Christmas, no matter which is on the calendar.
In a Sentence: “Went into the attic last night, got all my Half Christmas stuff down in preparations for the Full Christmas spread, also something about fruitcake.”
Wordaholics - Pre-Fire
Pre-Fire: The act of informing an employee that their services will no longer be needed in the future, while their services are still required for the time being. Plan that vacation, tiger, but don’t start packing just yet.
There is no set time limit between the divulging of their non-future with the company and their actual firing, but a week to 10 business days is an industry standard. Which industry, we’re still not sure yet. Probably technology based, judging the current job landscape.
This tactic can be used to test the meddle of an employee, by notifying them of their upcoming job loss, then giving them a particularly challenging task to accomplish before said termination. Unless it’s a drug thing. Then don’t let the door hit ya where the lord split ya.
As a strategy to give a floundering employee a kick in the rear, the pre-firing is a favorite motivational technique of those who have a read a lot of business books written by successful football coaches. They usually keep a game ball in their office to complete the metaphor, and use terms like “4th quarter”, “halftime” and “next man up.”
In a Sentence: “Since the holidays are coming up, we’re going to go ahead and pre-fire you, so you can save face at your hometown bar when you go out the weekend before Christmas; but don’t be thankful for having a job, because as of 2013, you don’t.”
Wordaholics - Hump Day
Hump Day: The day of the week in which you do, or are aiming to commit, your humpin’.
While many tie the term to Wednesday, where one would be “over the hump” of the week, there’s been a movement to transition the phrase to a more general state of undress. The movement starts here. The time of beginning is now.
By declaring a Hump Day, you’re not trying to have a baby, or discover new things about yourself, or ending your senior year on a high. You’re doing work of the horizontal variety. You’re telling the world you have flex appeal. You’re spiking the football before you even put your pads on.
Couples can use this as a way to tell their friends they’ll be busy, but not get too gross about it. We’re friends with both of you guys, it’d be great to not have to imagine anything specific. Stop talking. I can’t unsee this. You’re supposed to be my kid’s godparents.
In a Sentence: “Byron and Teegen won’t be joining us for bocce, they got in a spat last BBQ and they’re taking a Hump Day to reconnect.”
Coincidentally, Workaholics moves back to Wednesdays in the Season 3B premiere on January 16th on Comedy Central. So get ready for a Hump Day of an entirely different variety… just like this oddly rambling “new” definition. And you can keep the lights on, sweetie. We’re comfortable with you.
Wordaholics - Gnar
Gnar: A descriptive indicator that things, in their current state, are not well. As opposed to good, or “not gnar”.
A cousin of gnarly and a decedent of bad, this word gives your fellow man the heads up that you’re on a red eye flight to Shitville and you already know you’re missing that connection. Pack a lunch, bud, ‘cause where you’re headed? They don’t have delivery.
While absolutely a matter of opinion and one’s philosophical outlook, there are undeniable situations of gnar that no one’s seeing as a glass half full. Eating ribs with your hands on a date. Locking yourself out of your hotel room post-streaking. The DMV.
You cannot have a bright day without a dark night, and situations such as these calibrate the gnar-bar accordingly so you can persevere and get to a place of joy; such as enjoying those take-home ribs alone at home. Where you lay low in the ice room until your cousin Roger can rustle up some pants. So you can take your driver’s test online. You’ll get through this bad time, bud. It can’t last forever. Otherwise, it’d be junior high.
Don’t let the gnar get ya down. Who cares if it’s Monday? For someone, it’s Friday, and that someone can be you if you call in sick on Tuesday. It’s happy hour somewhere, and guess who’s buying? That’s right. The handsome one in the mirror. No, not Harris from accounting. YOU.
In a Sentence: “I dunno, I’m just feeling like I really dropped the ball and my astrophysics dissertation is turning out gnar, where if I had enough time to test the research and reenforce the theorem it could be so, so not gnar.”
Wordaholics - College
College: As in, “Welcome to…”, “All the best times in my life were in…” and “The ‘that time” I refer to when I say, ‘Hey, remember that time…’”.
Less a grouping of buildings named for old white people and more a state of mind, College represents the period in one’s life when it’s socially acceptable to vomit in public, wear hoodies too often, and show a general disregard for Dean-based authority.
It is during this time you learn lessons of life, love, and recreational drug use that lasts a lifetime. You meet friends you’ll never forget. You physically encounter ones you will later wish to.
You throw things off balconies and light said things on fire, and that’s just at Orientation. You read The Illiad. You eat 20 of something on a dare. You listen to Radiohead. A lot of bases are covered in a lot of sports and sex and games you make up.
Once it’s gone, it can never be fully recaptured. Revisited, sure, but you can only really get Fight Club on a metaphysical level for the first time, that first time, and your original hair color grows back.
You stop calling your buddy “Rat Shit” and learn his name is Thayne; you wear a belt; you throw away your poster of Einstein sticking his tongue out. You never see another bean bag chair. You shave.
Then you get a real job.
Because those student loans aren’t going to pay themselves, kid.
In a Sentence: “I would literally trade the life of any of my friends to be transported back to my days in College, I’ll pick one if I have to, just make it happen, weird Genie I may only be seeing in a drunken haze as I try to recapture that feeling.”
Wordaholics - EJack
EJack: The full-on climax of a male participant in a sex act, past-pre and pre-post. If you have to question whether your bathing suit area eruption qualifies, chances are you were just playing with it.
The term itself covers the action only, and not the physical result; sort of like how a bazooka says nothing of the missile. One may not be possible without the other, but they don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
It’s not like the missile has to hit anything for you to say you fired the bazooka.
A way to remember the impact of the launch is to think of it as halftime of a game that turns into a blowout. The first half saw much give-and-take, promise of greatness, and setting of a second half stage; halftime came out of nowhere; then there was a disappointing second half where one of the teams decided to throw in the towel because it had a long day and just needs to get some rest.
But relax, there’s always a chance of another game tomorrow morning if we wake up early enough. But I wouldn’t bet on it.
In a Sentence: “I don’t mean to be graphic, but she did this thing that made me EJack so loud I woke up the dog; and I’m talking about my neighbor’s dog.”
Wordaholics - Future Babe
Future Babe: Complimentary, non-predatory term used to describe girls of an age young enough that they are not legally allowed to vote, but of experience enough to be miniature versions of the woman they will become. That woman will be a total babe, you can just tell. What? Just talking here.
It is a father’s job to recognize his daughter’s Future Babe status, and protect her from those who would seek to exploit his baby girl’s innocence. To keep her away from the exotic dance club, in a performance capacity, as it were. Really? You watch Todd Solondz movies but THIS is too much for you?
Classic Future Babe tropes include actresses playing the role of spunky coach’s daughter in sports movies, singer-songwriter’s who make too big a deal of their virginity, and the Olsen Twins.
Oh, now it’s OK? Right, I don’t have a daughter, so I wouldn’t understand, but I think… You know what, probably the less said at this point, the better. Should have written up Power Medicine instead.
In a Sentence: “Man, Natalie Portman was such a Future Babe in Beautiful Girls, I can’t believe Timothy Hutton didn’t jump all over that; well, I guess I can understand why he stayed away, at the time…”
Wordaholics - Gay Chicken
Gay Chicken: A game in which two straight members of the same sex compete to see who is willing to go further with a homosexual act.
The “winner” is the competitor who doesn’t flinch, pull away, or secede control at any point of the game; while the “loser” is the one who has their will broken in two. It does not matter whether either of the contestants is named Will for this to be the case.
While there is not a boilerplate version of the showdown, the most common is to have the competitors lean in for a kiss; the first to pull away is the loser, or “Gay Chicken”. There are many other versions of this game that take the sport to new levels, but the motivation is always the same. Just a buncha straight dudes killing time before the ladies show up, right? Sure.
While girls can play, their version is usually called something else entirely, usually just “Hot” or “Dude, check it out” or a Tatu music video.
The game can not be played between members of the opposing sex; that’s just a Saturday night, flirting, or a family reunion gone wrong.
In a Sentence: “You shoulda seen it, Sully took on Murray in a round of Gay Chicken and neither one backed down for like twenty minutes; got a little weird to watch, but I had to be there to crown the winner, ya know?”