Wordaholics - Meat Fetus

Meat Fetus: In the simplest scientific terms, a pile of loose meat assembled into the shape of a human for means of sacrifice to a demon, god, or hungry authority figure in hopes of warding off their evil intentions.

A meat loaf brought to meat life, the ginger-beef man you CAN catch, the Meat Featus should not be assembled for any ole’ problem.  To do so would lessen it’s impact, and take away power from those who need it most.

Didn’t finish studying for your Geography Final?  Stay away from the fridge.

Pressed Sally Sue is gonna find out about Betty Lou on the side?  Don’t turn to the deli counter to clean up your mess, braj.

Concerned your buddy is being inhabited by the spirit of a dead employee you are responsible for unleashing?  Meat life begins at conception, and it’s time for you to get  sculpting the ground chuck.

The Meat Featus success rate is uncharted, but amateur analytics point towards it being highly successful.  You don’t see any demon-infested monster men on the news, do you?  Ergo, it works.  Or is working.  Or will work when it’s most needed.  We can hope. 

We must have faith in the powers of the formed dead mammal pieces, otherwise, we’re just farting around with hamburger here.   

In a Sentence: “We shouldn’t have streaked through that Indian Burial Ground, Greg; the only chance we have to escape poltergeisting is hitting up Fred the Butcher, building a Meat Featus, and sacrificing it to the god in question before Homecoming.”

Wordaholics - Funny

Funny: The state of amusement resulting from how well a joke/event/bit is crafted combined with how much the amuser needs something from the craftsperson.  

It is not necessarily how much it made one laugh or how the laugh compares to similar takes on the same material, as much as how important it is that you laugh at this person.  Sure, maybe Chevy Chase nailed the subject in question in the 70’s.  But I’m not trying to buy a car from Chevy Chase at the present moment and I think they might throw in the bluetooth for free.

Funny is your boss when you aim for a promotion and get stuck in the elevator with them; it’s when your mother-in-law cracks wise about the weather and you need a bridge to the other room; it’s when the date is going poorly and you just want to see the person naked and what the hell, a few chuckles about their cat getting stuck under the couch might be all you need to get in there.  Both the bedroom and… ya know.  

We all like to laugh at what’s funniest on a pure level, but in this day and age, laughter is a currency you can’t just toss out like quarters to college kids for laundry.  How are you going to do laundry if you give all your quarters away?  In your fancy mansion with a washer/dryer installed?  Must be nice.  I need the quarters.

While there is a perfect world where funny simply means that which makes a human amused, we don’t live in a perfect world.  Most of us live in the United States, where funny is a currency as valuable as cash, credit, and helping someone move a couch.  So dole out all the funny you want, Great Britain and China; we’ll save ours to help us get ahead.  Some say that’s how we got here in the first place. 

God bless America.

In a Sentence: “While a gentleman getting beaned in the avocado pits makes me laugh, I’d hardly label it funny; maybe if the action was a result of some conflict he had with the person throwing the object coming to a head, I’d be invested, but as random act it’s hardly a well defined humor piece.”

Wordaholics - Friendship Family

Friendship Family: The non-biological members of your closest knit circle, the best of the best of the best of not blood.

What makes the relationship go from solid dudes to the familial level varies; saving someone from a tiger cage, spending a week on the road following the Up in Smoke tour, flipping houses to the point you come into some serious cash could all bridge that gap.  It depends on the person.  It depends on the bond.  Also, does anyone in the gang have an annoying laugh or spoiled-sauerkraut B.O.?

Like any family, a Friendship Family can have their squabbles, internal beefs, and bi-annual taped-fist brawls, only these fights don’t ruin Aunt Claire’s Retirement Party.  If anything, they enhance them.  You know the Silverman brood likes seeing some blood on the dance floor.

A bonus is that unlike your third cousin who you’re not sure is adopted, you have a green light to make eyes at a female member of your buddy clan.  It might weird out the whole room, but it’s not against the law.  Also, again, doesn’t ruin Aunt Claire’s Retirement Party.  You know the Silverman brood likes seeing some gratuitous groping on the dance floor.

The size of the group is also up to debate; too large, and you become like a gang and chances are you will NOT do well sized up against real gangs; too small, you’re just a bromance.  Why you spending all that time together, huh?  Then the Brokeback jokes come in, and… you need a third.  Especially if you want to go on a fishing trip.

Having a third makes it a group.  A third… makes it a family.  Your Friendship Family.

In a Sentence: “I had a great time over the holidays, spent a few days on the farm with the fam, then a weekend in town with the Friendship Family where we mostly drank 22 ounce beers and watched Point Break; you know the Silverman brood loves some Keanu.”

Wordaholics - Boss Lady

Boss Lady: One’s professional superior, of the female persuasion.  Usually a strong role model for other women in the office, the Boss Lady rules with an iron fist while hopefully earning equal pay.

A boss can be a man, and a lady can work at a place of business without being boss, but a man cannot be a Boss Lady.  The name can be used for that male boss as a derogatory nickname, but calling him a duck would not mean he quacks.

Being a woman superior and object of sexual desire are not a mutually exclusive partnership of the position.  Many men are attracted to strong female figures, with strong female figures, and whether they are trying to get into the pants of their superior for business or pleasure depends on the strength of the punch at the latest company party.

If you have a Boss Lady, it is recommended to not call her that to her face.  She’s probably real uptight about what people call her in front of the workforce.

In a Sentence: “That Alice Murphy is one capable Boss Lady; and by that I mean capable of running both the office and dat ass all over my imagination.”

(Sentence possibly used by Adam DeMamp)

Wordaholics - Full Christmas

Full Christmas: The completely realized, no corner cutting big brother of Half Christmas.

It is necessary to mention that Full Christmas occurs on the birth of Jesus Christ.  Base covered.

Full Christmas takes the Half Christmas spirit of "No sweater sleeves, no Santa, no problem" and adds both sleeves AND Santa.  But it does NOT add problems.  Not intentionally, at least.

Many believe the Full came before the Half, but numerically, that’s impossible as well as possible, depending on the philosophical beliefs of how much water’s in the glass.  After enough spiked egg nog, BOTH are possible.

May you have a Happy and/or Merry Christmas, no matter which is on the calendar.

In a Sentence: “Went into the attic last night, got all my Half Christmas stuff down in preparations for the Full Christmas spread, also something about fruitcake.”

Wordaholics - Pre-Fire

Pre-Fire: The act of informing an employee that their services will no longer be needed in the future, while their services are still required for the time being.  Plan that vacation, tiger, but don’t start packing just yet.

There is no set time limit between the divulging of their non-future with the company and their actual firing, but a week to 10 business days is an industry standard.  Which industry, we’re still not sure yet.  Probably technology based, judging the current job landscape.

This tactic can be used to test the meddle of an employee, by notifying them of their upcoming job loss, then giving them a particularly challenging task to accomplish before said termination.  Unless it’s a drug thing.  Then don’t let the door hit ya where the lord split ya.

As a strategy to give a floundering employee a kick in the rear, the pre-firing is a favorite motivational technique of those who have a read a lot of business books written by successful football coaches.  They usually keep a game ball in their office to complete the metaphor, and use terms like “4th quarter”, “halftime” and “next man up.”

In a Sentence: "Since the holidays are coming up, we’re going to go ahead and pre-fire you, so you can save face at your hometown bar when you go out the weekend before Christmas; but don’t be thankful for having a job, because as of 2013, you don’t.”

Wordaholics - Hump Day

Hump Day: The day of the week in which you do, or are aiming to commit, your humpin’.

While many tie the term to Wednesday, where one would be “over the hump” of the week, there’s been a movement to transition the phrase to a more general state of undress.  The movement starts here.  The time of beginning is now.

By declaring a Hump Day, you’re not trying to have a baby, or discover new things about yourself, or ending your senior year on a high.  You’re doing work of the horizontal variety.  You’re telling the world you have flex appeal.  You’re spiking the football before you even put your pads on.

Couples can use this as a way to tell their friends they’ll be busy, but not get too gross about it.  We’re friends with both of you guys, it’d be great to not have to imagine anything specific.  Stop talking.  I can’t unsee this.  You’re supposed to be my kid’s godparents.

In a Sentence: “Byron and Teegen won’t be joining us for bocce, they got in a spat last BBQ and they’re taking a Hump Day to reconnect.”

Coincidentally, Workaholics moves back to Wednesdays in the Season 3B premiere on January 16th on Comedy Central.  So get ready for a Hump Day of an entirely different variety… just like this oddly rambling “new” definition.  And you can keep the lights on, sweetie.  We’re comfortable with you.

Wordaholics - Gnar

Gnar: A descriptive indicator that things, in their current state, are not well.  As opposed to good, or “not gnar”.

A cousin of gnarly and a decedent of bad, this word gives your fellow man the heads up that you’re on a red eye flight to Shitville and you already know you’re missing that connection.  Pack a lunch, bud, ‘cause where you’re headed?  They don’t have delivery.

While absolutely a matter of opinion and one’s philosophical outlook, there are undeniable situations of gnar that no one’s seeing as a glass half full.  Eating ribs with your hands on a date.  Locking yourself out of your hotel room post-streaking.  The DMV.  

You cannot have a bright day without a dark night, and situations such as these calibrate the gnar-bar accordingly so you can persevere and get to a place of joy; such as enjoying those take-home ribs alone at home.  Where you lay low in the ice room until your cousin Roger can rustle up some pants.  So you can take your driver’s test online.  You’ll get through this bad time, bud.  It can’t last forever. Otherwise, it’d be junior high.

Don’t let the gnar get ya down.  Who cares if it’s Monday?  For someone, it’s Friday, and that someone can be you if you call in sick on Tuesday.  It’s happy hour somewhere, and guess who’s buying?  That’s right.  The handsome one in the mirror.  No, not Harris from accounting.  YOU.

In a Sentence: “I dunno, I’m just feeling like I really dropped the ball and my astrophysics dissertation is turning out gnar, where if I had enough time to test the research and reenforce the theorem it could be so, so not gnar.

Wordaholics - College

College: As in, "Welcome to…", "All the best times in my life were in…" and "The ‘that time" I refer to when I say, ‘Hey, remember that time…’".  

Less a grouping of buildings named for old white people and more a state of mind, College represents the period in one’s life when it’s socially acceptable to vomit in public, wear hoodies too often, and show a general disregard for Dean-based authority.

It is during this time you learn lessons of life, love, and recreational drug use that lasts a lifetime.  You meet friends you’ll never forget.  You physically encounter ones you will later wish to.  

You throw things off balconies and light said things on fire, and that’s just at Orientation.  You read The Illiad.  You eat 20 of something on a dare.  You listen to Radiohead.  A lot of bases are covered in a lot of sports and sex and games you make up.

Once it’s gone, it can never be fully recaptured.  Revisited, sure, but you can only really get Fight Club on a metaphysical level for the first time, that first time, and your original hair color grows back.  

You stop calling your buddy “Rat Shit” and learn his name is Thayne; you wear a belt; you throw away your poster of Einstein sticking his tongue out.   You never see another bean bag chair.  You shave.

Then you get a real job.

Because those student loans aren’t going to pay themselves, kid.

In a Sentence: “I would literally trade the life of any of my friends to be transported back to my days in College, I’ll pick one if I have to, just make it happen, weird Genie I may only be seeing in a drunken haze as I try to recapture that feeling.”

Wordaholics - EJack

EJack: The full-on climax of a male participant in a sex act, past-pre and pre-post.  If you have to question whether your bathing suit area eruption qualifies, chances are you were just playing with it.  

The term itself covers the action only, and not the physical result; sort of like how a bazooka says nothing of the missile.  One may not be possible without the other, but they don’t have to be mutually exclusive.  

It’s not like the missile has to hit anything for you to say you fired the bazooka.

A way to remember the impact of the launch is to think of it as halftime of a game that turns into a blowout.  The first half saw much give-and-take, promise of greatness, and setting of a second half stage; halftime came out of nowhere; then there was a disappointing second half where one of the teams decided to throw in the towel because it had a long day and just needs to get some rest.  

But relax, there’s always a chance of another game tomorrow morning if we wake up early enough.  But I wouldn’t bet on it.

In a Sentence: “I don’t mean to be graphic, but she did this thing that made me EJack so loud I woke up the dog; and I’m talking about my neighbor’s dog.”