Wordaholics - Future Babe

Future Babe: Complimentary, non-predatory term used to describe girls of an age young enough that they are not legally allowed to vote, but of experience enough to be miniature versions of the woman they will become.  That woman will be a total babe, you can just tell.  What?  Just talking here.

It is a father’s job to recognize his daughter’s Future Babe status, and protect her from those who would seek to exploit his baby girl’s innocence.  To keep her away from the exotic dance club, in a performance capacity, as it were.   Really?  You watch Todd Solondz movies but THIS is too much for you?

Classic Future Babe tropes include actresses playing the role of spunky coach’s daughter in sports movies, singer-songwriter’s who make too big a deal of their virginity, and the Olsen Twins.  

Oh, now it’s OK?  Right, I don’t have a daughter, so I wouldn’t understand, but I think… You know what, probably the less said at this point, the better.  Should have written up Power Medicine instead.

In a Sentence: “Man, Natalie Portman was such a Future Babe in Beautiful Girls, I can’t believe Timothy Hutton didn’t jump all over that; well, I guess I can understand why he stayed away, at the time…”

Wordaholics - Gay Chicken

Gay Chicken: A game in which two straight members of the same sex compete to see who is willing to go further with a homosexual act.

The “winner” is the competitor who doesn’t flinch, pull away, or secede control at any point of the game; while the “loser” is the one who has their will broken in two.  It does not matter whether either of the contestants is named Will for this to be the case.

While there is not a boilerplate version of the showdown, the most common is to have the competitors lean in for a kiss; the first to pull away is the loser, or "Gay Chicken".  There are many other versions of this game that take the sport to new levels, but the motivation is always the same.  Just a buncha straight dudes killing time before the ladies show up, right?  Sure.  

While girls can play, their version is usually called something else entirely, usually just “Hot” or “Dude, check it out” or a Tatu music video.

The game can not be played between members of the opposing sex; that’s just a Saturday night, flirting, or a family reunion gone wrong.  

In a Sentence: “You shoulda seen it, Sully took on Murray in a round of Gay Chicken and neither one backed down for like twenty minutes; got a little weird to watch, but I had to be there to crown the winner, ya know?”

Wordaholics - Dad

Dad: In many, genetic, exactly-correct ways, the man who brought you into this world, and can take you out of it.

Your Dad is the man, as it were.  He taught you everything you know, but, as he will often remind you, not everything HE knows.  Teacher/student relations, without the tuition or text books.  You never stop learning, but neither does he; the first one of you who does, loses.  In a death sense.

Your Dad knows a lot about the business world, but also how to start that fire that’s been giving you so much trouble.  He has a budget, a snowblower, probably knows the best place to get a steak and has brought you a windbreaker from his place of business that you never wear.  

He also has your number, figuratively and literally.  Don’t you ever forget it, like you did the garage code that one time, only after you punched it in, what, for five years?

Your Dad is the man you one day want to be; but you can never be until you yourself are a Dad.  Even then, you will never defeat him, so take that out on your son and the circle… is complete.

See Also: Dad Dick, Dad Strength, Bad Dad, My Dad Says, Dad Polo

In a Sentence: “Please, Thor Holmvik is my father’s name, you call me Dad, if you think you’re man enough.”

Wordaholics - Butthurt

Butthurt: The feeling one gets when saddened, put out, or disappointed, but in such a way that they may be making a mountain out of this molehill.

To be butthurt, one needs a leg to stand on, but not a full blown court case.  The pain usually arrises out of social invite snubs, same-dress wearing, and not liking the dip you know I spent all that time on.  

You may dispute a friend’s level of emotional pain, but you can not outright deny their state of mind while feeling this way.  The best treatment is often a steady stream of “Yeah, I hear you”s and “She had no right”s, or just going to the garage to work on that craft project for your buddy’s birthday.  

That said, men are just as susceptible to the affliction as women, and in most cases carry the feeling much longer and in a more intense heat; the disrespect of a six pack not brought, a couch seat taken, or a Breaking Bad spoiler spoiled has been known to last a full calendar year.  

Surprisingly, the ache has no connection with one’s actual butt, arse, rear, fanny, or glute, but is more an ache of the heart.  A lament of the soul.  

A hurt of the “butt”.

In a Sentence- ”I know we didn’t want to go to Gwynne’s brunch, but she got so damn butthurt about us skipping her Winter Formal that we simply MUST attend, Randall!”

Wordaholics - Lyring

Lyring: The art of creatively re-imagining events so they positively influence a court case, interrogation, or parent’s sweat-out in your favor.

While sometimes painted with litigious words like “Perjury” and “Illegal”, Lyring tips the scales of justice in the direction of the good guys so the Franklin & Bash's of the world may live to Franklin another Bash.  

To properly practice the practice like on The Practice, one doesn’t simply say a red car was white; one talks about how the car was driven by roided-up juice heads who came with baseball bats and kept menacingly pointing at the storefront window while blaring Bon Jovi, and they clearly were responsible for the damage, not your errantly thrown baseball.

Rumor has it that scratched into the stall door of every city courthouse is this simple rhyme— When in court, truth stay away, and live for lyring another day.  God bless our court system and all it’s soldiers.

In a Sentence: ”My buddy Bert did some low-down dirty Lyring and got me out of that public urination beat, good thing, too, I got priors.”

Wordaholics - Half Christmas

Half Christmas- Celebrated on June 25th, 6 months (half a human year) after official “recognized” Christmas, Half Christmas (#HalfXmas) allows a second chance for embracing the spirit of giving with friends, families, countrymen, and willing celebrity endorsers.

While the date simply halves the calendar, a Half Christmas observer is not expected to decrease their celebratory footprint in any way.  Full tilt holiday cheer is not only expected, but encouraged; and for every holiday sweater’s sleeves cut, evergreen tree shortened, and cubicle tinsled, there is someone chugging keg nog with reckless abandon; and it is they who are exhibiting the true #HalfXMas spirit.

But unlike secular and ethnic holidays based around themed alcohol intake, Half Christmas isn’t meant to send one face down to the bar mats; but face up to the ones you love, without having to go to Church with your Grandma or shovel the back porch.  It’s a time to party for things important to you that may have been neglected in times of non-mall decorated nativity and claymation specials. 

Half Christmas is what you make it; as long as you make it like you’re celebrating Christmas in a different time of year and slightly changing the customs and practices to better fit the new month. 

In a Sentence- “I used to think Half Christmas was just another greeting card company holiday, but then I couldn’t find any in the store, and I realized, this is ours, babe, this is ours and ours alone, and also our dozen friends I invited over so let’s deck the halls.”

Coming Next Week: The Workaholics Tumblr mentally prepares you as we celebrate half the holiday, with “The 6 Days of Half Christmas”.

Wordaholics - DRO

Dro: Nickname for the herb known primarily as marijuana, but check it randy, it’s also known by many, many other handles.  Derived from HyDROponically grown grass, a type of lab-based pot that is, like, better and more man made and shit.

Like, you build Robocop in a lab?  He’s better than a Robocop you find in the street, right?  Same thing applies here— you want the best Robocop you can get, and the lab just does stuff that nature can’t.  Like add a gun in his hip he can just pull out when he needs to shoot fools.

I’m not knocking nature, though, back off!  Nature made wolverines and they’re saucesome.  That’s just what I say instead of awesome sauce, since that sounds dumb, but saucesome makes you think.  Like Sherlock Holmes.

Where are we? 

In a Sentence: “I just had the worst day, the boss was riding me like a gelding; I just want to sit back, watch some streaming documentaries, blow dro, and let the time pass.”

Wordaholics - Acid-Dent

Acid-Dent: An unfortunate, unplanned occurrence taking place while the participants are under the effects of a hallucinogen, most often acid.  

The drug itself is not necessarily the direct cause of the incident at hand; but to deny it’s participation in the event would be obtuse.  A wandering mind and a curious hand are often cited as major players in the game.

Careful planning and preparation can lead to the avoidance of most Acid-Dents.  Sharp objects, conventional weapons, and shiny things should all be locked up and removed from the scene of the trip in question, as well as anything that could be perceived as a warlock in the right hue of light.  

While you can never remove the threat completely from the equation, a live-and-learn approach should be applied to all future trips post Acid-Dent.  Now you know he’s going to want to play with that.

In a Sentence: “Hannibal hacking his thumb off with that chainsaw was an Acid-Dent we all could have prevented if we had made sure we weren’t around chainsaws after we dropped that acid.”

Wordaholics - Shib

Shib: A multi-purpose utility word used to express everything from frustration (“Flub this shib!”) to elation (“Shib yes!”), to all in-between (“We got a lot of shib on our plates!”).

It’s origin lies in a search for a TV censors bleep-free alternative to “shit”, but the current use has overtaken the first intent and bore it’s own fruit.  While once a temporary replacement, it has it’s own office and is intending to get comfortable.

While the meaning can be linked directly to excrement and overall nonsense, to refer to something as shib does not connect it to those extremes automatically.  Same old shib, different way, as it were, and it is, and we do.

In a Sentence: “That middle linebacker is yoked, dude was built like a brick shib-house!”

Wordaholics - Season Pee

Season Pee: Unofficial, or, quasi-official, nickname for Workaholics Season Three.  Follows the “toilet humor” season nickname pattern as previously established with “Season 2/Season Poo”. 

While Season One was sometimes referred to as “Season Fun”, the show was still finding itself and had not yet settled on a universal season nickname motif.  Had producers jumped on the toilet humor nickname train out the gate, “Season Uhhhhhn” or “Season Runs” could have been acceptable entries.

Future seasons, should the show be so lucky, could move in the direction of a new nickname area, but “Season 6/Season Dix” is, at least, a nickname lock.

In a Sentence: “Workaholics Season Pee premiers Tuesday, May 29th at 10:30/9:30 CT, only on Comedy Central.”